Awhile ago I did a post about asking for what you want in a relationship. I went over things like not getting angry at someone when they can’t read your thoughts, getting space, or asking for a little extra love and care. What I did not really touch on was asking for what you want in bed.
I’m not talking about dirty talk. That’s a whole other ball game– Fuck me harder; I want you inside of me– Those aren’t what I’m referring to. I’m referring to the simple act of making sure you get what you want in bed.
I won’t embarrass my boyfriend too much by oversharing, but I will say that we were trying something new in bed the other day when he used a phrase that threw me off. It wasn’t anything mean or unusual, but it totally got in my head and killed the mood for me. As any chance of my orgasm slipped away (not forever, just in that moment, jeez), I told him that I didn’t think I could come, and that I thought what he had said had affected the outcome.
It was literally that simple. I said, “I don’t think I’m going to come” and then I said, “When you said _______, it really got in my head and then I couldn’t get past it”. We talked about why it may have put me off and then we agreed to make note of it in future instances.
I can name tons of instances like this one. Smaller ones like, “Can you shift your weight to the right side?” or bigger ones like “IT BURNS, NO, STOP”. Just kidding…
I’ve known tons of friends that let these small things go. They either pretend to be really into it, or they passively allow it to continue. This goes for girls and guys as many feel awkward about these small, unsexy moments. But EVERYONE has those things they really like or really don’t like. Maybe you hate someone’s tongue in your ear, maybe this position strains your back, maybe there’s like one little hair down there that is being pushed around the wrong way. NOTHING IS TOO SMALL.
So let me put it this way. In most situations, sex should be a consensual, mutually beneficial affair. Which means, not only do both parties (or more, I’m not judging) want to enjoy themselves, they want the other party to enjoy themselves. Half the fun of having sex is being able to literally have influence in the pleasure for another person. So if we think about it this way, by bringing up these small requests you will enhance your own sex life, as well as your partner’s.
What are you afraid of?
-That it’s not sexy to ask? Well does being uncomfortable feel sexier?!
-That the other person will be mad? Kick them out then, they sound horrible.
-You’ll kill the mood? The mood is clearly already dying for you anyways, so do what you can and SAVE IT!
This topic honestly kills me because the reasoning against asking for what you want or what you don’t want are so small in the grand scheme of things. And hey, if you’re in a relationship, look at this as a long-term investment. You mention something once, and it might cost you a bit of awkwardness, but you won’t have to worry about it again! And if you’re not in a relationship, it’s good practice for all the different kinds of sex you’ll be getting. However, I will say there is one exception to this. It can be awfully hard to ask for what you want, if you don’t know what you want and I will definitely be covering that soon!