I had some amazing parents when it came to the sex talk. They gave me a whole bunch of literature and if I had questions – they were pretty open about their experiences. I felt comfortable and safe in my knowledge of how the act worked, what parts were involved, and the general purpose.
Fast forward a few years – I have some experience of my own and have talked about sex a few times in this forum, but recently, I have been thinking about all the small parts of sex that no one talks about. The things that go unmentioned or create massive cognitive dissonance when compared to media portrayals.*
- It’s messy. In the movies, the couple finishes and they usually immediately detach and lie next to each other. If that scenario were real life, somebody is lying in a wet spot. I’ve never read a book or article about great sex that mentions the clean up effort. The only time there is almost no cleanup is if the guy is wearing a condom and can just slip it off into the trash or if no one was really into it in the first place. But if it’s a good time and he’s not wearing one – body fluids are just everywhere. Sexy right? If a guy comes inside, then it has to drip out when you finally get up, or maybe it’s in your mouth, and if he doesn’t, well then it’s on you or him or somewhere else. Ugh….Even laying a towel down doesn’t do much for this since there is so much movement involved. There’s just no getting around it and yet nobody tells you the best way to deal with it.
- Bedding=obstacle. Movies have to use sheets to cover everyone’s bits, but in real life, they are an obstacle. Plus, oral sex hardly ever occurs under the sheets per movies because the person giving literally CAN’T BREATHE so it doesn’t make any sense. Sex with sheets is kinda cumbersome and can end up being too hot, so sex without them safely covering everything seems to be more common place even if it does feel exposed.
- Talking. Media alternates between heavy breathing during sex in movies and overdone moans on the porn end. I’m also not talking about extensive dirty talk. I’m talking about simple things. If it’s a new partner – the conversations about birth control and sexual health should happen. If it’s any partner you should at least feel comfortable enough to say yes to the things you like and no to the things you don’t. No one is a mind reader and you don’t have to suck it up. Everyone likes doing well and staying healthy but we’ve made these conversations out to be awkward because no one ever tells us how to have them.
- Way less orgasms. Not in a bad way, just in the not-every-single-fucking-time way. This goes for guys and girls. Porn and media, even including books, usually portrays sex as either mindblowing or comically bad. Reality is that most of it falls in the middle. For guys this may not apply as much, but for women, oftentimes a lot has to line up for us to get to orgasm and not all those factors are present a lot of the time in real life. Media also depicts couples having simultaneous orgasms much of the time which is actually very difficult to pull off. However, that doesn’t mean sex wasn’t worth it. You can still have a really good time without putting pressure on anyone to climax.
There is no real point to this post. I have no extra advice on the above points other than the fact that I hope you don’t feel awkward noticing these things in your own sex life. These happen all the time and yet media totally glosses over them – even in books and articles that claim to get down to the ‘nitty-gritty’ – so I’m just putting them out there into the universe so that you know you’re not alone when it comes to the realistic maybe-not-so-sexy parts of sex.
*Keep in mind all my thoughts here come from heterosexual media portrayals and my personal experiences since I have no experience with any other kind of sex. But I’m betting there are things no one talks about for those instances as well.