Hello? Yes it’s the High Standard Police

I wrote this post a couple weeks back about how much I get done in a day. I got quite a few responses on and offline showing interest and/or amazement at my strict productivity routines. These routines come at a cost though. Yes, I get pretty much every single thing I want to get done - done. But it requires a huge amount of planning, little room for error, and almost zero room for true spontaneity. 

Consider for a moment what your life could look like if you implemented my routines. Maybe you’d feel productive, motivated, fit, busy. Now imagine what it must be like to live with me. Structured, strict, intense. When I was younger, believe it or not,  I was even more uptight, so my sister bore the brunt of my unyielding need for routine. For example, I needed to be half-hour early to school (elementary school) - don’t ask why, there was no good reason - and if my sister put this arrival time in jeopardy, I lost my mind. I started screaming, crying, yelling at her to hurry up. I have since mellowed out in my responses on the surface to unpredictability, but it still causes a sense of panic internally all the same. 

My routines also require a huge amount of discipline. It’s not easy to make myself workout, study, work, prepare, and plan every single day. I hold myself to a pretty high standard. I basically want to be good at everything - and this pressure on myself is ever-present. If I happen to be in a relationship, I treat it the same as my other endeavors - I prioritize it, make time for it, and work on it. But I also end up holding my partners to the same standards I hold myself, and when my expectations aren’t met, disappointment is inevitable. 

Consequently, I always feel caught. I know putting my expectations on others is unfair, and a surefire way to experience disappointment more often than satisfaction, but I also feel like I deserve someone who also holds themselves to high standards. I feel like if the other person doesn’t want to hold themselves to a similar bar then the relationship is doomed to fail anyway, because I will always be pushing forward on myself, on the relationship, on everything -  no matter what. I haven’t really figured out how to feel about this part of myself yet. I know that holding myself to high standards is one of the things I like best about myself, but it might be hindering my relationships with others and causing unnecessary frustration. For now, I’m not planning on backing off - I do have a lot of shit to do - but I do want to spend some time learning about the areas where I am willing to compromise because ultimately, sweating the small stuff won't get me anywhere.