Why I can't focus on anything right now
img_4437
My brain is scrambled. I’ve started at least six different posts for today in the past week and wasn’t able to finish any of them. My mind is overrun with ideas about improving at work, classes I want to take, what I want to do next for a job potentially. I have a slew of changes I want to make to my workout routine and my hobbies. All of a sudden, I have all these things I desperately want to purchase. And despite all these thoughts, I can’t focus on any one task for long enough to even sift through them. What gives?
I have a crush.
If you thought I had turned into a productivity monster, powerful enough to not be affected by romance, you were mistaken! But believe me, I tried. I had been playing the ‘I’m not looking for something serious’ game for a while now. Although I’d recovered from my last serious relationship, the pain isn’t something that I had necessarily forgotten or had interest in repeating right away. So instead, I kept pretty much all potential suitors at a distance. And this was working because I didn’t actually like any of the guys I was seeing that much, but then I accidentally stumbled across one that I did. Why do I even bother trying to plan anything anymore?
Luckily for me, my crush likes me back but that doesn’t change how consuming the feelings can be. The reason my brain is so overwhelmed with ideas is because liking someone can be inspiring. My mind races with possibilities, not just with this other person but for myself as well. I feel like I want to do more, be more, and I want to do it all now - which of course is not advisable. Not all these ideas should be pursued, and even if I wanted to I can’t focus on them.
On top of this, I also want to spend a much higher amount of time getting to know this someone rather than by myself accomplishing these tasks. I can only describe something brand new as intoxicating. I have a very distinct pattern in the beginning of a romantic relationship. I’m a bit cold and detached as I start to get to know someone. It's safer and I'm good at it.
But then something flips - and it flips quickly, usually over the course of two weeks or so where the other person does something or maybe a series of small things to increase my trust and then I fold. It’s like that old commercial about Tootsie Pop’s where the kid asks how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center. I’m like the Tootsie Pop, hard shell, but inside it’s completely soft.
I wish I had advice for how to mitigate this type of feeling because while you’re in it, you may overlook other things in your life in favor of this person. For example, my morning workouts are pretty much shot if he sleeps over, and my other routines get rearranged in order to see him more. I haven’t gone completely teenage girl - I still see my friends, family, and get all my normal stuff done, but I am more willing to flex on certain things if it involves seeing him.
But really, I’m more inclined to tell you that if you’re in a feeling like this, relish it. I should take my own advice and work on doing more of this instead of constantly focusing on the future. Even if this ends up turning into a long term relationship for me - this infatuated, intoxicated feeling will fade. It will stabilize and it will never be recaptured. Something new - whether it ends or grows - is never something new for long so enjoy it while it lasts.