Can Friends With Benefits Work?

If by ‘work’ you mean nobody gets hurt, then yes. But if by ‘work’ you mean you try to use it as a stepping stone for something more - then probably not.

Just so we’re all on the same page, friends with benefits can refer to a variety of arrangements, but in this case I’m referring to a relationship in which the parties engage in physical or sexual activities and there is no expectation of commitment or romantic inclusion in each other’s lives. It is different from the first stages of dating in the sense that there is no exploration or development of emotional intimacy either.

I used to think friends with benefits was a recipe for disaster no matter the circumstances. Every instance I heard about, whether portrayed in the media, or in my friend’s lives, seemed to end badly. Someone always ended up feeling hurt or betrayed. 

This is unfortunate because I know now that friends with benefits can actually be a valuable form of intimacy if approached with a large amount of respect and trust - similar to any other type of relationship. It can be incredibly useful and rewarding to create space with someone to be a great friend while also satisfying a physical need.

But the common mistake people end up making is to ‘settle’ for friends with benefits while secretly hoping for something more. They are already developing feelings for someone so they engage in this arrangement willingly, without being upfront with their emotions, because they think the other person will just wake up and realize they want to be together. We all know how this goes. Sometimes that scenario can work out and result in a great romantic relationship, but more often than not, it blows up in everyone’s face.

With that said, I know friends with benefits can work - but I believe the following criteria need to be considered before progressing: 

1. The best instances of friends with benefits are when the ‘friends’ part outweighs the ‘benefits’ part. The foundation of a friendship is based on a lot of mutual trust and respect. Those qualities should be there even without the physical piece. If you don’t feel at least a base level of this for the other person or you don’t feel like you can have that in return, it’s probably not a safe bet to engage in a type of relationship that still has elements of vulnerability.

2. Make sure you know the difference between attraction and romance. You may find yourself feeling attracted to a new person or a friend, but that is different than automatically wanting to be in a romantic relationship with them. You can have an enormous amount of admiration for someone and find them physically appealing and still not want to date them. The distinction is important. If you are able to separate out these feelings, you’re in a good spot. You either have no romantic feelings - in which case, this should be easy for you - or, you do, but you can assess whether the situation is worth the risk.

3. Lastly, per usual, be brutally honest with yourself. Work through your feelings for this person on your own. Set your own boundaries and stick to them. You might start out feeling one way only to find that your feelings towards this person develop in a completely different direction. Take ownership of your emotions your expectations throughout the arrangement. If you need something, it’s on you to recognize it and to ask for it. I cannot stress this part enough: never engage in any type of relationship that isn’t in line with your needs and boundaries. If you’re looking for more, don’t settle for less. Don’t justify this type of arrangement to yourself if it’s not meeting your needs. 

In my experience, friends with benefits really does operate like any other type of relationship. It relies on matched expectations and decent communication. And if you actually treat it like a type of relationship in its own right, rather than simply as a stepping stone for something else, you may find it is surprisingly rewarding.

A cheeky photo I took at the Womanish Exhibit when it was in Chicago last year.