Don't Mind Me, Just Having a Mini Crisis Over the Circle Of Life

I have one remaining grandparent on each side of my family and both of them, I’m sorry to say, are deteriorating quickly. It’s heartbreaking to watch, but my grandparents have always been old to me. Their proximity to death has always been a part of my relationship with them. I never knew them young or active or when they were still figuring things out. I met them when they had already entered into their slowing down period. This is a natural conclusion to their arc in my mind, and making peace with it is easier than I expected. 

What’s not easy is watching my parents go through it. Because my parents have seen my grandparents when they were young. They remember what it was like to rely on them for meals, love, advice, and basically everything else. They remember looking up to them, admiring them, wanting to be just as capable as they were. The distance between how my parents met my grandparents and how they are now, is much much wider for them than it is for me.

I view my own parents as an institution. I realize I’m lucky to be able to do so and that this isn’t the case for everyone but for me, my parents are the ultimate safe zone. They represent familiarity, stability, and comfort. I remember them teaching me math, having tickle matches in their giant bed, breaking up fights with my sister, playing games with us. I remember when my dad would dribble the soccer ball between my feet, too fast for me to see (he probably could still do this tbh), and when I didn’t have a hope of beating my mom in an arm-wrestling match. They’ve taught me so much about how to be a person and even now are still the final sounding board when I need to make tough decisions for myself. 

I know that if everything went completely haywire in my life that I could always go home, that they’d always be there for me. 

Except they won’t be. Eventually, my parents too will go the way of my grandparents. I frequently think back to a conversation I had with one of my very good friends in college. He is from Italy, but at the time, he was going to college with me out in California. His immediate family basically consisted of just him and his dad and his dad still lived in Europe so he only got to see him about twice a year - at winter and summer breaks. One day he told me that if he continues on this path and chooses to live in America after graduating, and given his dad’s current age - he will basically have 20-30 more chunks of time with him. 

That conversation completely blew my mind. My parents are a bit younger than his dad is but the fact that he was able to quantify how much time he could possibly have left with his father was unbelievably sad to me. Back then, I was sad in a sympathetic way, upset on his behalf that he might have such limited time left. Now, I think of this conversation and am sad in an empathetic way, because I’m watching the time run out on my grandparents and I know my parents are probably able to quantify how much time they have left with them and it’s getting exponentially smaller. 

I know this is the circle of life and that I’m reflecting on this concept quite seriously considering my parents are nowhere near this point yet, but thinking about it made my heart break for what my parents are going through right now. Imagining my own strong parents, my safety net, deteriorating before my eyes sounds like one of the worst experiences I could ever encounter. 

Relationships with parents can often be contentious, but ultimately I believe that most parents want their children to simply be self-sufficient and happy. They want to know that their kids will be ok when they’re gone - even if they go about this in their own unique ways. If you’re lucky enough to have parents that you do rely on and admire on some level - let them know how much you love them. Hug your mom, call your dad, cook for them, ask for stories, hang out with them, seek them out, and enjoy it. One thing the pandemic has definitely taught us is that life and strength are finite goods - please don’t waste them. 

Family photo that is almost a year old already!