Going Easy On Myself

Two weeks ago I was really fucking sad. And happy. And angry. And insecure. Oh and also my body decided to stage a revolt. I was fatigued, parts of me were just sore to the touch, and I even had to go to the dentist to inspect a weird growth that had emerged on my tongue (said growth has since been cured). 

This feeling lasted for ten days and I was at my wit’s end with its cause. And before any of you try to diagnose me - it wasn’t my period, nothing externally out of the ordinary had happened, and even though I had no reason to believe this was the case, I even checked if I was pregnant (thankfully not). 

I don’t get like this. Usually I am quite successful in squishing any negativity by overwhelming it with commitments and other forms of productivity. But alas, work had just entered a stable but underwhelming period and everything else in my life felt like that as well. I was satisfied with my relationships, my body, my apartment, even the fucking weather was amazing. Everything was going well. So why the hell did I feel so bad? And slow? And unstable? 

Spoiler: I never figured it out. Maybe I was burned out. Maybe this was a response to all this delta variant stuff going on. It could be another case of anxiety like I wrote about last year in this post about a disconnect from a hopeful and secure future. Maybe I was bored. Maybe my hormones were adjusting to something unseen. Regardless, sometime mid last week, the feeling just started to clear up. My mood stabilized, my body had more energy, and I felt like myself again.

Feeling out of control of my mood (or anything) is intensely uncomfortable for me. I love knowing why I feel the way that I do and I’ve spent an enormous amount of time, energy, and money (therapy*) on ensuring that I’m able to recognize my feelings and their inceptions. So on top of everything else, I was annoyed and frustrated that I couldn’t even pinpoint any one cause for me to analyze or overthink! I just had to marinate in my own inner turmoil for the better part of a couple weeks. 

During this time, there were only a few things that made me feel marginally more stable, and I want to bring this up because this could have easily been an article about burnout, or self care, or some other higher ideal, but the reality is that sometimes you just feel shitty. Your hormones get out of whack, your body seems to break down all at once, or nothing seems to look right. So we have to do what we can to keep going. 

When I feel like this, I only do the bare minimum at work. I like that my job gives me some sort of commitment to get up for, but if I feel this bad, then it is not the week to ask me to volunteer or join some extra team or group. I will do my job and THAT IS ALL. It’s past 5? I’ve never even heard of you, goodbye.

In the evenings, I watched a lot of comfort films - usually Disney or Dreamworks, and I ate things that were easy to make and reminded me of positive memories from my childhood. I ate cinnamon sugar toast. I doused everything in garlic and oregano. Last Tuesday, two out of my three meals were chocolate chip cookies. 

I also skipped a workout. If you know me at all you know that is a BIG DEAL. Not just because I love my workouts but also because working out is something that usually vastly improves my mood. But this time, I honestly think my body needed a rest. I hadn’t taken a single day off from a workout since the beginning of July and that might have caught up with me a bit. 

Additionally, I laid on the ground a lot, called my mom, and forced myself to go to the social commitments I had already made. If I were really on top of this episode, I would have forced myself to go outside at least once on all the other days too. However, that just sounded too awful this time around, so instead I stayed in most days and waited for the hours to trickle by so I could go to bed again and hope that tomorrow I would miraculously feel better. 

It’s interesting to look back on those ten days because if you only had those ten days to go off of, you’d probably say I was a high functioning depressed person. But now I feel like myself again. My emotions feel stable and recognizable, my body’s aches and pains have legitimate causes (I banged my knee at the climbing gym and have a marvelous purple bruise to show for it), and I feel motivated to take initiative on all my work and personal projects again. 

But getting to myself again also can’t be traced back to any single activity or thing that I did. I didn’t go for walks or do face masks or eat a lot of greens. I simply had to let those emotions run their course, let my body rest while they did so and give myself a break for once.

Go easy on yourself.  

Me being a moody bitch by the lake…