Lessons From My Exes

I used to be jealous of people who married their high school sweethearts, or of my friends who didn’t date at all and then one day they met someone who they have stayed with now for years and have never been through any kind of breakup. It felt unfair that I had to go through all types of relationships and put my heart on the line over and over again, when they just got to skip straight to happily ever after. 

Of course, now I know it’s not that simple. Not only that, I’m actually pretty grateful for all of my varied relationships and interactions because they’ve given me a much better understanding of myself and how I want my future relationships to look. Even though those relationships ended, I learned something from every single one. 

So let’s start at the beginning shall we?

I did ‘date’ when I was in middle school and high school. I use the quotations because in that period of life I think what we’re mostly doing is copying what we think dating is supposed to be like. We’re all hormonally imbalanced and unsure of ourselves, so it tends to be an exercise in imitation and feeling things out, rather than actually forming lasting relationships. 

All of my romantic interests in this time frame were basically variations on a theme - all swimmers, all tall, and all super sweet with a goofy sense of humor. All were important to me as initial learning experiences on how a relationship might look. I lump them together because this is a period of life that is confusing and has little autonomy so the lessons are not as clear cut. This period of time gave me some firsts (like a first kiss), and also allowed me to more explore what variables even exist in a relationship. How often should you hang out? How much do you have to talk? When should you be included when they go out with friends? How do you act in public? This time period didn't so much give me the answers to any of these questions as it did show me that these were questions to consider in every relationship in the first place. Even just knowing what factors realistically can impact a relationship was a huge lesson for me although I wasn’t able to form a clear perspective on them yet.

So let’s move on. In my adult life, I want to note that I have dated a bit, but it followed two extremes. I either dated someone for at least a few months or it never went past one or two dates. This is for two reasons - 1. I don’t pursue people who haven’t also shown a lot of interest in me already; and 2. I don’t tolerate so-called ‘fuckboy’ behavior. If he’s being unclear, it’s just such a huge turnoff that I never talk to him again anyways. Consequently, I spend very little time in the will-we-won’t-we stage. So most of the lessons below revolve less around dating or how to move past that stage and more around what I learned about being a better partner to someone and what I need to look for in a partner for myself.

My first boyfriend as an adult was in my final year of university and he taught me a lot about what to look for in another person beyond the basics (kind, smart, etc.). We only dated for a few months and this was the first relationship where I had to initiate a formal breakup. Although this guy was smart, generous, and ambitious, after some time I realized he was unable to set boundaries in his own life. He would end up in situations that he would feel bad about afterwards but would not make any changes or institute any accountability to ensure that he didn’t repeat them. This was an area I placed a large amount of importance on for my own personal life, and I learned that I needed someone who could also set their own boundaries and stick to the goals they have for themselves because I would get too frustrated otherwise. 

Alright, the next one was a big relationship. I’ve written about it before because it lasted a few years and multiple countries, and you can read this article if you want the full spread of things that I learned from that one. But the main thing was that this relationship allowed me to test my own limits. It allowed me to explore how much I was willing to give to a relationship and to someone else. I learned how to identify my emotions and my boundaries. It also allowed me to explore new feelings and questions. Similar to my early experiences, it allowed me to test out the questions that arise from more adult relationships. What kind of communication do I need to feel secure? What happens when you move in with someone? How do you split living costs? How do I tell someone I need alone time? How do you navigate the future? This relationship allowed me to discover my own perspective on some of these. I learned that I vastly prefer over-communication to under-communication, thrive on constant feedback both positive and negative, and I learned to give up being ‘right’ in a fight in favor of working with the other person to come up with a solution.

The next guy I dated was not a formal relationship but I’m including him because I did see him for a few months and because I learned one key lesson from him - do not date someone who does not respect your own perspective on yourself. When I would share things about myself, he would attempt to correct my own perspectives on those events. He would tell me how I should feel or what type of person I was, and would completely disregard my feelings. I learned how devaluing and harmful this behavior was and learned to look out for it in the future. 

The next boyfriend was an interesting one. It had all the hallmarks of a good potential relationship but in the end we realized we weren’t all that compatible and ended things as friends. However, he was the first guy I had dated that didn’t put up with the more difficult parts of my personality. Before him, I had a pretty confrontational style of handling conflict which totally shut him down. He knew exactly how he preferred to be communicated with, what his needs were, and he was able to share them. From him I learned much more about how to respect someone else’s relationship and communication needs, and I also learned how to be more self aware of when I’m projecting my own insecurities onto someone else and how that can affect them.

And here we are today. All things considered, when I add up all the time I’ve spent in these relationships, I come out with about six years of experience. And I’m grateful for pretty much every second of it. Would I date any of them again? No, but each interaction did force me to learn different things about myself and about other people. 

Even though I am still a little envious of people who have never had to experience heartbreak, I don’t believe I was ever cut out to be one of those people. I like who I am now and how I am in relationships, but to become this person I had to go through all of those other ones. I had to fail, I had to learn my limits, I had to get my heart broken, I had to be put in a position where I had to stand up for myself and my desires. I may have never learned these things about myself otherwise and I may have even been worse off for it. 

I share all this because I’m at a point where it’s starting to feel like every time I go on social media, another one of my friends or acquaintances is engaged. Occasionally, seeing all that love and joy makes me want to throttle someone, and you might feel the same if you’re my age. But if you’re in my shoes, it’s important to know that it’s totally fine. We are not that old, I promise! As horribly cliché as it sounds, as long as you keep searching for things that make you happy and you keep learning, even when they don’t work out, then you’re probably on the right path already and your own love and joy will happen in due time. Or at least that’s my plan :)

Me looking over my shoulder at my past…PC: Joy Lee