My Most Important Relationship
As an introvert, I typically feel drained by my interactions - even with my closest friends. While I enjoy the interactions, I’m usually left feeling a bit hollowed out, as if energy were literally being scooped out of me with every conversation. But there is one relationship in my life that is different, and that is the one I have with my sister.
I know not everyone has a great relationship with their sibling (s) and I believe that to be unfortunate. I know some people have large age differences or simply don’t get along, but the sibling relationship is truly unique in its familiarity. For better or worse, there will never be anyone else in your life that will have lived through your childhood alongside you, and so much of what we are is defined by those years. To be fair, my sister and I are three and a half years apart and initially grew up with a typical sibling dynamic. Up until I was about fifteen years old, we would fight as often as we got along. But somewhere along the line, we changed into something better.
Part of that change was me recognizing that we’d already been operating as a sort of team. We would lean on each other in family situations and stand up for each other with our parents. As we got older, that bond got stronger. We were so familiar with each other and so many of the same inputs throughout our childhood that we ended up with a similar sense of humor and an ability to self-reference that I’m positive annoys everyone around us.
As a result of all these variables, hanging out with Kiki is just different. I feel happier, lighter, and more energized after seeing them. While we are hanging out, there’s no filter, but also no pressure to continue the conversation. There’s an ever-present ease to talking about whatever crosses our minds. We can make the worst jokes, test out new ideas, have in-depth conversations on absolute minutiae, and never even think twice about any of it. Kiki doesn’t always understand or even care about what I’m saying, but they always listen anyway.
The other big part of the shift was in how I viewed them. Earlier on in our childhood, I suffered from selfish tendencies and I would oscillate between being their biggest champion and their worst enemy. Over time, I realized that there are qualities Kiki has that I simply do not. They are unapologetic about everything that they are, witty to a fault, and never fail to show up for the people they love. Even though we are at completely different places in life, I still go to Kiki to bounce ideas off of because it’s like looking into a braver, cleverer, mirror. They may not have the answer, but I certainly feel more powerful afterward.
It was Kiki’s birthday this past Monday and they’re 24. That was the age I moved back to Chicago which doesn’t feel that long ago! As we get older, the age gap seems to become more and more meaningless. On the one hand, I feel closer to them than ever before. On the other hand, I also feel like I’m farther apart from them. Kiki and I used to be attached at the hip. On family trips, we would talk and joke constantly. We slept in the same room or same bed, and they were my teammate, photographer, and everything. Now that I’m in a more serious relationship, I’m giving up pieces of those times with them. We won’t sleep in the same space as often, I’ll have added someone new to our riff sessions, and it won’t just be us all the time anymore. It’s bittersweet. I know this step is necessary, but no one ever talks about the grief that comes with changing your family dynamic, especially if you’re close with them.
I know Kiki and I can still have these moments, but they will have to be more intentional and I fear they will become fewer. I can only do my best to keep making them happen because I know this is the most important relationship I will ever have.
