Saying it First

If you’ve ever said it first, or even thought about saying it first, you know it’s a terrifyingly exhilarating prospect. 

You might think that saying it at all is frightening. Either way you are exposed. But I promise you - saying it back is much easier than saying it first. 

Saying it first requires a certainty within ourselves, for there is no safety net and no reassurance yet. It requires an acknowledgement of a feeling so powerful it can no longer be ignored. It requires conviction.

Despite such conviction, the unknown still scares us. We can’t be quite sure of the response no matter how well things are going. 

And there’s good reason to be afraid. 

One the one hand, we could be denied. We could’ve worked up all that courage to lay our hearts bare only to have one breath of hesitation cause the words to turn to ash in our mouths. Elation is the only acceptable response. Anything less feels like a consolation prize at best and like you may never breathe again at worst.

But on the other hand, they could say it right back. They might say it back so fast it was like an exhale leaving their body. They might be so relieved that you were brave enough to take the words right out of their mouth. And somehow that’s even more frightening. Because now it’s no longer even a question. The feeling of knowing they feel the same would be too powerful for us to restrain our emotions any longer. And only now are we truly exposed. Not only as individuals, but as partners in our vulnerability. 

So which fear will get the better of you?

I read once that you should say it when the feeling becomes so overwhelming and so genuine that you wouldn’t regret saying it no matter the response. 

I first felt it a couple months ago. But it was only a flash. So brief I hadn’t even been sure of what I had felt. So I waited. 

I felt it again a few weeks later, clearer this time, but it was new and unfamiliar, so I waited. 

All of a sudden, I felt it all the time. It was there in every glance, every touch, every meal together. But I was too afraid, so I waited. 

Then one day, we were lying under the stars and the feeling was finally too big for just my own heart, so I said it - 

I love you.