The Anxiety Diaries #1
Posting a bit late this week, partly due to the long weekend putting me a bit behind schedule, and also because ~aNxIEtY~
To be quite clear, I do not have a formal diagnosis for anxiety, I just feel stressed, anxious, and nervous a lot, and about a lot of things. But I also recognize that my blog typically focuses on self-improvement, self-reflection and can sometimes maybe gives the impression that I don’t feel very anxious or afraid most of the time. WRONG, I am afraid of everything (I’ll be writing a separate post on that later this month) and I was feeling especially anxious this last week so I thought I’d treat you guys to my inner monologue of stress. If you’re feeling any of the same, then know you’re absolutely not alone.
Wednesday 9/2
8:50am
My alarm went off almost two hours ago but I stayed in bed until the last possible moment because work has been making me crazy. I have a go-live this coming weekend and everyone is panicking getting ready. I have just enough time to make coffee and get on my first call
3:15pmpm
I feel anxious because I haven’t talked to my boyfriend all day and I have plans tonight so I’m worried I won’t get to talk to him at all. Why does this make me worried? I have no idea, it’s completely normal, and I don’t even have anything particular to tell him.
5:30pm
I am on a call that WILL NOT END. I’m supposed to be meeting my friend like right now and I think I’m going to be late. I’m so sick of talking about integration testing.
11:00pm
Just got back from seeing my friend which was great actually. We both got to vent about a lot of stuff we had on our minds, and baked a cookie/brownie pie which was amazing. I feel much better.
Thursday 9/3
5:50am
I have to get up for my Greek Language lesson. I love my tutor but it’s brutal after staying up kinda late last night. I think I will take a nap afterwards but before work.
8:30am
FUCK. I am never napping ever again. I had the worst nightmare. I almost never remember my dreams, which means I never remember if I had a nightmare, but it was awful. If you’ve seen the movie ‘Mother!’, then you know how stressful my dream was. It basically magnified every single anxiety I have at the moment and gave it corporeal form. I feel awful the rest of the day. Everything at work annoys me and I nitpick all my interactions.
Friday 9/4
8:00am
I am exhausted. I wake up so groggy but I have a million meetings before the push to production happens at 3pm. I make myself some coffee and food and am nearly in tears when I have to open my laptop.
12:15pm
My boyfriend texts me asking what the plan is for the weekend. We usually spend weekends together. He suggests staying at mine tonight and then his place later in the weekend. I debate telling him I need the night to myself but I decide some interaction may prevent me from wallowing too much in my own stress. I tell him that sounds good but that I’m pretty tired and won’t want to do anything too involved. He suggests getting takeout and watching the new season of The Boys. I say I’m down.
4:30pm
There’s not much left to do at work so I clean up. I feel foggy, and my eyes burn from tiredness. My boyfriend arrives and we go on a quick shopping trip. When we come back, we have sex and I feel a lot better. The rest of the night is relatively lowkey and I sleep hard that night.
9/5/2020
8:00am
I’m awakened by the sound of my boyfriend on the phone. He’s working with some friends on a sneaker drop but I’m annoyed at the noise. I live in a studio so there’s not really anywhere for either of us to go. I ask him to put on headphones, and my annoyance pretty much dissipates when he brings me coffee in bed later.
1:00pm
We ran some errands and have stopped for lunch. It is weirdly breezy and cold in the area we’ve been seated in I’m annoyed at the weather. I hate the wind, and the crisp air is far too reminiscent of fall for my taste so now I’m in a mood.
5:00pm
We shopped for many more hours. I bought a ridiculous amount of sweaters from Urban Outfitters because you can’t try anything on in the store anymore, but my boyfriend did enlist the help of one of the sales girls to help me with my insecurities over a simple baseball cap color and that made me laugh even though I was a little mortified.
7:30pm
We go back to my boyfriend’s place to hang out. We watch Curb Your Enthusiasm since it’s my boyfriend’s favorite show at the moment. I realize I don’t really ever care what we watch anymore. I have so much time alone to watch whatever I want so there’s no real pressure to watch what I want when I’m with someone else. I start to worry if this means I’m depressed because I don’t feel strongly about this anymore.
9/6/2020
9:00am-7:00pm
Ok I’ll be honest, this day was really nice. We were supposed to go to a little Labor Day gathering outside, but the weather kinda caused it to fall apart so instead we went to Andersonville and did some antique and thrift shopping, and got pie, and it was just a nice impromptu day.
8:00pm
I’m slightly annoyed because my boyfriend turned me down for sex. He had been struggling with allergies all day and wasn’t feeling it so I’m not that torn up because that’s understandable. Even so, it’s a blow to my ego and I sulk for a tiny bit to recover my pride.
9/7/2020
9:00am
My boyfriend made last night up to me so I’m feeling pretty good in the morning. We go to brunch and then do even more shopping. My boyfriend was on a mission for a couple things and I just like being outside at this point.
9:00pm
I always make a to do list before a work day and so I finally checked my email to make my list for tomorrow and immediately my anxiety skyrockets. A bunch of stuff happened with the push over the weekend and it looks messy and I really don’t want to deal with it.
9/8/2020
8:00am
I’m having a nice morning. Too nice. It’s drizzling outside, and the cuddles are phenomenal, but I need to take a meeting and get back to my apartment. I wanted to stay in the cocoon and I almost cry when I leave my boyfriend’s place.
10:00am
I’m back at my apartment and I hate everything. I’m chasing down ridiculous problems and retroactively documenting things no one will ever look at. I’m starting to be dramatic - I need a month off at this point.
5:00pm
I manage to finish up work on time but I have therapy and a Mandarin lesson tonight. Therapy was uncomfortable because it brought up some things I’m doing wrong, but the Mandarin lesson was really fun. I spend the rest of the evening watching Selling Sunset because I can’t be bothered to think and Christine is my favorite person right now. I get a nagging feeling because I haven’t done any writing for my blog yet but I decide to push it off this time.
9/9/2020
12:00pm
Work has been suspiciously slow today. After all the frantic energy of yesterday, I’m surprised, and now I’m left with the feeling that I’m not doing enough. I go for a workout. I cry in the shower afterwards.
2:00pm
I have an extremely frustrating meeting with a client who decided to use 20 out of our 30 minutes to berate me for not documenting a decision that was never actually made so that was just great.
6:00pm
I return half my sweaters to Urban Outfitters and veg. I’m finally starting to feel a little bit less anxiety from that dream last week. I feel guilty for not having a blog post done today and resolve to brainstorm and write, one way or another…tomorrow.
And there you have it! I decided to write this all out with time stamps since my emotions are all over the place during the day. I usually wake up in a pretty neutral but lagging state, the midmorning/afternoon is really hit or miss, directly after work brings some relief, but if I think too hard in the evenings I’ll depress myself. I don’t think I’m going to be able to regulate my emotions right now, so instead I’ve been focusing on documenting them, and then trying to let them go. So often, I’m just picking at things because I have the time to overanalyze them now when in reality they are microscopic issues and I normally wouldn’t give them the time of day.
If any of you are feeling just as scattered, I hope you know you’re not alone, and that you do take advantage of the pockets of joy that are sprinkled throughout even now.
By the way, it is World Suicide Prevention Day today. Suicide and mental illness affect a sizable portion of the population but it’s important to that help is always available. Below is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more
800-273-8255
Photo is a stock photo from Unsplash