What To Do When They Just Want to 'Fix' You

Have you ever had the experience of venting to someone and as soon as you present the problem, they immediately try to start suggesting ways to fix it? And then you get annoyed because maybe you already know how to fix it, or maybe you don’t want to think about fixing it quite yet and you just feel like they’re not listening? Yeah, me too. 

I generally hear of this issue in reference to heterosexual couples, the woman being the venter and the man being the fixer, but it can happen in multiple dynamics. For example, my parents both tend to err on solutioning rather than other responses when I talk to them about an issue I’m working through. 

This dynamic can put enormous strain on any type of relationship. One person feels like they’re not being heard and the other feels frustrated that everything they do seems to make things worse. 

First of all, if you’re the person that doesn’t feel heard, know that the fixing impulse comes from a good place. It’s quite likely that jumping straight to strategizing is how that person solves problems in their own life and their first instinct is to use it on any problem they’re confronted with. Furthermore, if you flip the script, think about what you want to do when someone you love is in pain. You want to make the pain go away. They want to help and that’s how they know how. 

Second of all, and people like to skip this step (!), figure out what response you do want. You know you don’t want someone to troubleshoot with you, but it’s easy to pick out one thing you don’t want. Are you looking for someone to just listen to your rant? Are you looking for someone to nod emphatically and sympathize with you? Are you looking for someone to ask you more questions about it? Are you looking for someone to simply take your side at that moment? 

It’s easy to get mad at someone for giving you something you don’t want, but it’s on you to get clear about what you do want before allowing annoyance or frustration to take over. If you’ve never told that person what you do want, then it’s not their fault for not knowing. 

Lastly, both parties need to figure out a strategy that works for their dynamic. I have one friend who always immediately asks - ‘do you want solutions or sympathy right now?’ when I take a breath during one of my rants. He had learned this behavior before we had ever met, and when he started doing this early on in our friendship, it made for much clearer interactions.

With my parents, it’s a little less straightforward. They’ve known me my whole life so they’re much better at being able to distinguish what I’m looking for in the moment without having to ask. In the event they do jump to solutioning, I don’t even hesitate to let them know what I want from them because our dynamic is so comfortable and familiar. Even if I say this in a less than kind voice, they know it’s because I’m frustrated at the situation, so they back off of problem-solving, and we continue with the conversation.

With my boyfriend, I’ve had to get even more nuanced because, as I mentioned with my parents, I may want something different depending on the day or the emotion. He hasn’t known me forever and it requires more communication. Sometimes I just want to share things for discussion’s sake, other days I want a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes I actually do want brutal feedback. If there was an algorithm to tell him which response was needed and when, he would be all over it (I think most boyfriends would). Since there isn’t one, it’s on me to let him know what I need based on the situation, and then it’s on him to implement that behavior. Now that we’ve known each other a little longer, he’s able to be proactive in some situations and sometimes we even get it right without having this conversation at all.

This is one of those types of interactions that is so easy to get frustrated with since we tend to assume people have similar needs to our own. However, everyone copes in a different way, and although the easiest response is usually the familiar one, it isn’t always right. We feel so understood in the moments where we don’t have to be so explicit about our needs, but these situations require reflection and effort on both sides.  If you want this dynamic to change, you either need to be able to tell someone what you need or at the very least, give them the tools to be able to ask you.

 And with enough practice, maybe you both can turn it into something effortless.