Why Compatibility is Not the Most Important Thing in Dating
I wrote an article earlier this year about hacking your dating profile and I want to revisit the topic because I’ve since clarified my thinking on my dating app strategy. In the previous article, I talk more about the nitty-gritty of optimizing your profile to attract people that you will also vibe with and sorting through them from there. But when I boil it down, my strategy was really about optimizing for the following: -
Effort
Schedule
Compatibility
In that order
In my mind, I’m able to reasonably control for these particular elements through the dating app lens and this has led me to going on relatively few dates - but pretty high-quality ones*
Effort is the first, and most important metric, because if someone won’t even put effort into something as small and easy as a dating profile, then they probably won’t put effort into something as large and complex as a relationship. On a dating app, all I have to go off of is someone’s profile and what they decide to do with it. This is why I prioritized people who had varied, detailed profiles, who also demonstrated effort by reaching out and maybe asking me something about myself first. It’s also why anyone who writes super general stuff gets swiped left - tacos, the office - just stop.
If they have put effort into this then it shows that this is something that matters to them on the barest of levels. They are interested in meeting people through this app (for what is still yet to be determined), and this is a priority for them, which means you have a higher likelihood of getting timely responses, planning dates, and ultimately experiencing their interest in getting to know you. On the flip side, I want to make sure that the effort they have can actually be expended on me. For example, if they have more than one selfie on their profile with their dog, I swipe left because I don’t want to be competing with that dog for attention. Brutal, I know.
The second metric is schedule. This is why I would swipe left on anyone who had a job with a completely different schedule than mine. This included students, anyone that does shift work (nurses, doctors, firefighters, etc.), actors or really anyone in entertainment, or entrepreneurs (for more reasons than this one). It’s not that these people aren’t potentially great, it’s that I have a smaller chance of breaking through the dating phase because we have a major hurdle right out of the gate - scheduling. If we can’t even get our calendars to line up for those first few dates, then it becomes hard to get to know each other and progress the relationship along. I work a nine-to-five type of job so I want someone with a similar schedule so we can easily plan things after work, on weekends, or on typical holidays.
Finally, I control for compatibility. This is where similar tastes and background pieces might come into play. This part is different for anyone but I want to highlight that I control for this piece only after controlling for effort and schedule. It doesn’t matter if we both like to travel or love the gym or whatever - if we don’t both have the time and effort to spend on developing the relationship.
We see this all the time when people say the “timing” is off. This just means that one party doesn’t have the time or effort to put into a relationship at this time. If I’m active on a dating app, it means I do have the time and effort and therefore, the first thing I should control for is people who also have the time and effort. Then we can get to the fun stuff.
Not everyone is on dating apps for this reason, but as I get older, I find that more and more of my friends are more interested in using these apps for relationships rather than hookups or more casual situations. But these apps are designed to keep you swiping and keep you buying their premium services and it’s important to remember that. You’re playing an optimization game based on the people presented to you. For me - time and effort are way bigger factors than compatibility when looking for a relationship, so if they don’t have those two things in line with me, then why bother with everything else?
Success! I wonder what he tried to control for….
*I’ve only been on 6 first dates that originated on dating apps. 3 turned into long-term relationships (including my current one), and the other three were still super solid dates with great guys but the chemistry just wasn’t there.