You Might Be Your Own Worst Enemy

When was the last time you ate?

Did you workout today?

Everytime I get a little snippy when I’m on the phone with my mom, those are usually the first two things she’ll ask me. 

I’ve always been the type that gets hangry and restless but it’s only been in the past couple years I’ve actually paid attention to these cues and how they affect my relationships. In the past, I would pretty much wait until someone pointed them out to me - like my mom - but still didn’t always take initiative to address them. And if no one pointed them out, which was common as not that many people knew these were issues for me, then I would get to continue on in my bad temper. 

Turns out, that hunger and movement (or lack thereof) are the two biggest influences on my mood. An ex-boyfriend actually used to carry around chocolate bars in all of his coats just in case I got hungry so I didn’t take it out on him. Yikes. Additionally, movement is how I process stress. If I don’t get any movement in a day - even a good walk could suffice, then my stress tends to build up and can cause me to lash out. 

Every time I’m upset, one of these two things tends to be involved. Not having these two things fulfilled makes me more unpleasant in pretty much every scenario. I’m more likely to be rude, lose my temper, and just generally cause conflict. 

It took me a while, but I’m able to now recognize these as basic needs for myself. If I don’t prioritize eating and movement, I will literally be meaner, less productive, and harder to work with. For other people, not getting enough water or sleep, or other forms of stress might affect them in the same way. 

This seems so simple. These are basic needs we’re talking about here, but too often I find that people skip over these when they take a look at the conflict in their lives. I used to easily pick fights with my boyfriends, my sister, or my family - but in retrospect, I was usually hungry or stressed and I would lash out in place of fulfilling the need. 

When we’re in the middle of a conflict, these needs can be tough to recognize. You’re already mad and you’ve already convinced yourself that you’re mad about whatever thing ignited the feeling in the first place. You’re not thinking about the low simmer of hunger, tiredness, or stress that was operating below the surface. It’s too late. 

This technique was hard for me to learn but it has made a huge difference in my relationships and wellbeing. Every time I get mad or frustrated I do a quick check-in with myself and ask myself the two questions at the top of this post. If I haven’t fulfilled one of them, I find a stopping point with whatever I’m doing, go fulfill it and then come back. If I had, then I let myself go ahead and feel my feelings. 

This accomplishes a couple things for me. First, it forces me to pause. Even if I have actually fulfilled my basic needs for the day, the pause helps me take stock of the situation and maybe rethink my response instead of immediately reacting. Second, I am able to more easily determine where my feelings are coming. If my basic needs haven’t been met, then I know I need to prioritize those before I can really assess my emotions. If they have been fulfilled, then I know for sure that my feelings must be rooted in something else. I’m able to separate my basic needs and my other emotions and address them each separately and accordingly. 

How did I learn this? I started doing it when I would get frustrated alone. Maybe I was building furniture, or doing a spreadsheet for work - one too many excel errors, you know? At first, I would ask myself those things as a way of calming myself down. I would still get angry, but then I would talk myself down by saying I’m just hungry or stressed. Eventually, I was able to remember those topics earlier and earlier in my anger cycle. I started asking them at peak frustration, then just before, and eventually, I got to the point where I can now usually ask myself right when I feel that first twinge of anger, even when I’m with someone else. 

Of course I still lose it sometimes - I had a complete mental breakdown over building a desk a few months ago - I’m still a work in progress. But recognizing my basic needs and being able to ask myself where I’m at with them in the midst of conflict has, by and large, eliminated any lashing out I do at others. I still get mad and frustrated but am able to easily bypass all my typical stressors and get to the root of my frustration much quicker. Furthermore, when my negative emotions aren’t tangled up with my basic needs, sorting out the solution also becomes much clearer and attainable. 

It’s obviously not perfect but it’s a starting point for most conflicts - both internal and external. Babies cry when they are hungry, tired, stressed, or uncomfortable. Ideally, parents step in and fulfill those unmet needs and the baby can return to peace. Adults still experience all of those things and are now responsible for filling those needs ourselves. But we can sometimes get to a place where we are doing so much on autopilot that those simple things can be easy to forget. Furthermore, we also now have full vocabularies, fine motor control, and money, and can do much more damage to ourselves and others if we don’t take proper steps to keep ourselves healthy. Next time you’re in a bad mood - take a second, maybe it’s not at all related to what you think.

I always get hungry on planes….