Foreplay Deserves Better
Even before I started having sex, I thought of foreplay as just a word to describe whatever collection of events that happened to lead up to sex. I never really thought too much about the activities themselves because they all revolved around whether or not sex was on the table and how sex would be achieved. But the older I got, and the more experience I had, I started to realize that this attitude was pretty unfair to my sex life. The idea that foreplay is only ever leading up to something bigger and better, and everything that constitutes the foreplay is merely a means to an end was damaging my enjoyment.
Most people, including myself, learn about sex in a be-all-end-all type format. If you didn’t endure the birds and the bees talk from your parents, which is inherently anti-sexy, then chances are your first exposure to the topic came in one of two forms - media, or health class and neither are optimal. Media gives us unrealistic expectations of sex, while health class boils it down to it’s bare bones and honestly doesn’t make it sound that appealing at all (probably the point when you’re teaching a bunch of hormonal preteens), but both usually skim over the foreplay part. They make it seem only part of this act you should be paying attention to is the penetrative sex part.
The media focuses on how seemingly amazing that part feels, and in health class’s case - all the risks associated with it. But that is grossly unfair to foreplay and to sex itself. Reproductive sex aside, I would argue that foreplay is more important than sex in almost every instance.
First of all, on a biological level, foreplay primes the body for what follows. This is the part health class gives you a glimpse of. Foreplay is the arousal part - when your breathing gets shallower, your nerve endings are piqued, and everything just gets harder and wetter. Without all of that, sex can still be good, but it’s usually not *quite* as good. Sensations are a little duller and the experience overall can feel muted when compared to an instance when foreplay is included.
Secondly, there are only so many forms sex can take, only so many reasonable positions you can contort your body into, but foreplay is almost limitless. It’s not just kissing or touching or roleplay, it’s also the up and down look someone gives you from across the room, talking, watching them lick something off of a spoon (bridgerton anyone?), and your own fantasies even when you’re alone.
Foreplay allows for mystery and anticipation. Your imagination can do better than reality in almost every instance and foreplay allows for the perfect melding of them. Think of a strip tease. Logically, you know what a naked woman looks like, but the anticipation of the removal of an article of clothing is intoxicating. And every time another piece is removed, there is a little hit of hormones and endorphins. Even though you know what to expect, your mind can’t help but buzz with possibilities.
For example, awhile ago, I was lying in bed, talking, with the guy I’m currently seeing and I told him I had a bruise on the inside of my knee from skiing. So he sat up, found the bruise, and kissed all around it. I pretty much melted on the spot. The sex was good but that moment was somehow more memorable and even just thinking about it now gives me goosebumps. That moment allowed my imagination to get creative - my mind immediately started trying to guess where he would kiss next or how far his hands would go on my thigh. That anticipation is delicious all on its own even if nothing actually happens next.
But we brush over these types of moments. We oftentimes dismiss all these little actions as less important when compared to sex itself. They are always used as a buildup or as a means to an end but never as a main event by themselves. I used to gloss over them as well. It was easy for me to get caught up in measuring how good a sexual encounter is by orgasms, but I know that when I treat foreplay with equal importance, I’m a lot more satisfied.
Not only is foreplay necessary for the sexual experience as a whole, but I would argue it deserves attention on it’s own. Sometimes, all those other actions are far far sexier and if we allow ourselves to recognize that, suddenly everything gets a lot more pleasurable.
PC: Clara Yu