The 5 Why's: A Process to Better Understand Yourself & Others

The five why process is commonly used in consulting as a technique to get to the root cause of issues. The way it works is simple - when someone presents you with a problem, you simply ask why over and over again, like a child. A consulting example could look like this --

A: The project won’t be delivered on time (problem).

B:  Why won’t it be delivered on time?

A: We found a lot of bugs while testing the system, it will take time to fix them.

B: Why are there so many bugs?

A: Because the requirements changed so many times.

B: Why did the requirements change?

A: Because the stakeholders had new ideas during development.

B: Why did they have new ideas during development?

A: Because they saw initial versions of the system and weren’t satisfied.

B: Why weren’t they satisfied?

A: Because the system wasn’t meeting their initial expectations

Obviously, this is an extremely simplified version but you get the idea. The current problem is that the project will be late, but the true reason for that goes way beyond bugs, it goes all the way back to expectation management.

I know consulting is dead boring but stick with me here, I think this rule can be applied to our personal relationships as well. The core of the 5 why process is to get to the real reason someone is experiencing a certain problem. So often, we are treating mere symptoms of a problem in our lives rather than the root cause.

An easy example is physical illness. Having a cold sucks, but when you ask someone about how they’re feeling - they’ll usually describe their symptoms first. They complain about the congestion and the fatigue, but they never even acknowledge it’s a virus making them sick unless prompted. Additionally, cold medicine also merely treats the symptoms of a runny nose and sore throat, but it doesn’t treat the root cause of the virus.

Similarly, the first problem or pain point somebody brings up in a relationship is usually  not the real issue. This happens across the board. Someone makes a passive aggressive comment about something, and the next thing you know you’re having a fight and you’re not even sure why.

For example - consider the scenario below —

A: What do you think of this girl? (shows insta photo)

B: Why do you want to know? 

A: Well just tell me what you think of her

B: Why do you want to know?

A: Because I saw you liked her photo!

B: Why is that a problem for you? (only now are we getting to a real problem)

A: Because you shouldn’t be liking other girls photos!

B: Why shouldn’t I be?

A: Because you’re with me!

B: I know that, but it’s not like I cheated on you, why is this a problem?

A: Because it makes me feel bad about myself when you like other girls pictures (root cause)

Real conversations are much windier and you may have to repeat a certain why question more than once before getting an answer you can actually build off of. In this example, we didn’t even get to the actual problem until half way through because the first person was being cryptic about their issue. In reality, I imagine that this conversation would have had to go on a lot longer before getting to a root cause, if ever, with many repetitions of asking why person A felt the way that they do. 

More often than not, people are not transparent about their true feelings. In the case of the above, it seems like person A was trying to dance around their real issue at the start, which happens frequently in reality. But other times, it could be that the person doesn’t realize what the true issue is for themselves either. In the case of the above, it could be argued that person A didn’t even realize why they felt bad about the interaction until halfway through. Either way, the root cause was not being addressed until Person A was repeatedly asked why they felt the way they did.

Unless the root cause is discovered and addressed, the problem will keep appearing in one way or another. This is exactly where this 5 why process can come in handy. The premise is just to keep digging deeper until the true issue is revealed. Even though it may take more or less than 5 to reach the root cause, it is simple enough to remember to just ask even once. It’s easy to get caught up in a pointless conflict, but if you’re able to pause and remember to ask the other person why they’re feeling what they’re feeling, it can go a long way. 

In the same vein, it’s even helpful to turn the process on yourself to figure out why you might be feeling a certain way. When you’re unsure of how you’re feeling or are struggling with a decision you can ask yourself or have a close friend ask you the 5 why’s before acting, perhaps even allowing yourself to circumvent possible conflict in the process, for example -- 

A: I want to ask him to be my boyfriend

B: Why do you want him to be your boyfriend?

A: I want him to be committed to me

B: Why do you want him to be committed to you?

A: Because I want to be able to consider a future with him

B: Why do you want to consider a future with him?

A: Because I want to be able to plan my own future

B: Why do you want to plan your own future?

A: Because I want to feel secure moving forward

In this case, it didn't even take 5 whys, it only took four to get to a basic root cause of the desire for security in one’s future. The desire for security was manifesting itself as the desire for a relationship. This might lead person A to make a completely different decision now that they recognize that about themselves. 

Although born as interrogative business techniques, the 5 why’s and root cause analysis in general are helpful whenever and wherever people are experiencing pain. This particular strategy may feel reminiscent of a toddler incessantly asking why self-explanatory things are the way they are, but despite the inherent childishness, there will always be a takeaway. Our relationships are one of the most frequent areas of potential miscommunication that can have dire consequences for our emotional health. If we repeatedly circumvent the root cause to those issues, it can only come back to bite us in the end. There are many other ways to address relationship problems, but I believe just remembering to dig into our own feelings even one layer, can be the biggest first step.

PC: Marketa Benedetti