I Never Thought I Would Say This But...I'm Terrified of My Alone Time

I have always liked my alone time. When I was younger I could even be downright rude about getting it. I absolutely required my own space and I would set aside large chunks of my weeks to spend time alone. I had no problem saying no to plans or sitting in my room for hours by myself. I think I was so stringent on this all the way throughout college because you really don’t have much time to yourself in your early years. Your family is always around and even in college, dorm life tends to be more cozy than spacious. 

After graduating, I moved into an apartment on my own and found that I still relished my alone time. I was able to see my friends, my boyfriend, and travel while still getting loads of time to myself to decompress. I was able to create a balance over the years, reserving a couple weeknights and usually Sunday afternoons or Saturday mornings for just me, myself, and I...at least up until two years ago. 

When the pandemic started, I immediately had too much alone time which is something I never thought I would say. I had gotten used to having a bunch of social events and only carving out a few hours here and there to have for myself. But when we were all confined to our houses, nothing was open, and even seeing super close loved ones felt risky, I was alone far more than I thought I should be. 

That time was hard because I was so inside my own head. I am a self-proclaimed introvert but I now know that there is such a thing as too much alone time. Without all my normal distractions and hobbies, I found my perspective wasn’t being challenged or refreshed as often and I would overthink and dissect the smallest, insignificant pieces of myself and my relationships - never a good mindset to be in. 

But earlier this year, things started to open back up again. I found myself going on trips, planning dinners with friends, and seeing my family more often. And just like that, I had almost no alone time. This was different from when I couldn't get alone time as a child because this time I’m choosing it. After being exposed to the earlier part of the pandemic, I have this innate fear that this period of the world getting better and maybe getting back to being fully open is not real, it won’t last, and we’ll be plunged into loneliness once again.

Consequently, it’s been extremely difficult for me to carve out time for myself. I’m terrified to say no to anyone or any plans they propose. It’s not that I’m fearful of missing out, but that this time period will be fleeting and I’ll have missed my chance to go to that restaurant with my boyfriend, or laugh with that friend, or go shopping with my sister. 

This is a completely new feeling for me. I’ve never been afraid to spend time alone. But now every moment I spend alone feels wasted, and this mindset is affecting my wellbeing. During the weeks where I actually do spend some time alone, I feel horrendously guilty and anxious. During the weeks I fill to the brim with other people and plans, I end up feeling burnt out and guilty about not paying enough attention to myself.

First and foremost, I don’t allow myself enough time to process and then end up feeling like I’m constantly avoiding my emotions. I also feel like I’m failing on all my personal goals because I’m not devoting as much time to them even though they still bring me enjoyment. And because of all that, I end up feeling guilty towards the people I am spending time with because I know I’m more distracted and not as much fun to be around when I feel all this constant anxiety and guilt about how I’m spending my time. 

Such a vicious loop.

I’m the kind of person that needs time by myself to process my environment and interactions. I have a lot of other stressors in my life right now and not making time for myself is only making things worse. I’m leveraging my fear of another period of loneliness into full-on running from my negative emotions. 

Alone time is important even for the most extroverted individuals. However, finding a balance that works for you is the hard part. The last couple of years have really messed up my own ability to assess when I truly need it and how I will be perceived if I take it. So this is a reminder for myself as well as anyone reading this. If you’ve been struggling to take time for yourself, you’re not alone but also know that your alone time is necessary and the people that love you will respect you all the more if you continue to take it. 

I took over 20 of these and this one was the only good one where my stupid Apple Watch didn’t ruin the photo since I forgot to take it off…