One Phrase That Changed My Relationships
I used to withhold gratitude. I used to hoard it like a greedy dragon and would only deign to express it if someone went completely above and beyond for me. I was slightly more forgiving towards my family and friends, but one place it was sorely lacking was in my romantic relationships.
Somewhere along the line, I had gotten the idea in my head that being in a relationship with someone entitled me to certain things. They pick up when I call, do me favors, and are generally there when I need them. Nothing out of the ordinary, but also nothing that I thought deserving of gratitude. These things are standard, they are the bar, why should I praise someone for literally fulfilling the basics? I would only dole out my ‘thank yous’ and appreciation for times they truly impressed me. Everything else was simply expected.
Most of this behavior was tied up in the walls I had built around myself. If I was difficult and someone still stuck around, that meant they really liked me right? Not necessarily. Hoarding gratitude turned into hoarding resentment and I realized I was sabotaging my relationships. Consequently, I started slowly breaking down this habit a couple years ago and now it’s to the point where I feel like I thank my current boyfriend for almost every single thing he does for me. Everything from paying for a nice dinner or doing me a big favor all the way down to making me a cup of coffee or talking to me on the phone a little later than usual.
These aren’t passive platitudes either. I try to avoid saying a quick ‘thanks’ with no eye contact. I don’t always achieve this, but I consciously try to look at him, smile, and thank him each time. I want him to know that I recognize that he’s done something for me and that I truly appreciate it.
Recently, he’s been helping me with my groceries. I don’t have a car and usually have too many groceries for myself to carry and comfortably bike around with. So he meets me at the store with his bike and his backpack and we divide them up and bike back to mine. Even though this whole activity takes a few minutes, this is a massive favor to me.
This past Sunday when we got back to my home with everything, I thanked him and let him know what a big help this was, per usual. He responded that he doesn’t think of it as a huge deal, but that he likes doing it because he knows how much it means to me.
That little exchange crystallized gratitude’s power for me. By sharing how grateful I was to him, it reinforced his feelings of being successful in making me happy and encouraged him to continue. If I had been withholding these feelings, he would have no idea, and the incentive for him to help is nothing. If he’s not even sure if this is helpful for me, then what’s the point?
That’s what I had been doing in the past. I would only show appreciation for large gestures that were difficult to repeat. I wouldn’t consistently show how much I valued more regular, smaller things and this probably left some of my previous partners feeling lost in their efforts towards the relationship.
In light of the recent holiday, I wanted to write about this seemingly small thing because it can go a long way. In the same way a compliment can brighten someone’s day, a genuine thank you can do the same. People want to know that they’re helpful, useful, and wanted - even in small ways. I’m not saying we need to shower praise on people merely doing the bare minimum all the time, but if someone does something to brighten your day, what is the harm in genuinely telling them you appreciate it?
Big thanks for dealing with all my climbing freakouts