Relationship Advice from My Dad

A few years ago, I had this enormous crush on a boy and I couldn’t figure out what to do about the situation. I had talked to all my close friends, my sister, my mom - and nobody had any tangible insights. It was frustrating enough that I finally did something I never thought I would do - I asked my dad for relationship advice. 

Growing up as a daughter, it always felt like there was a natural barrier with my dad when it came to those types of discussions. So it took a bit of courage for me to finally broach this topic with him. 

But during that initial talk, he was so calm and gave such great advice, I wondered why I hadn’t always been asking him this whole time. He IS a guy after all and is probably one of the best sources of information I ever have access to if I’m confused about something. I know talking to your dad about this stuff might be intimidating but over the years, my dad has shared some absolute gems of advice related to dating and relationships in general, so I’m letting you all borrow my dad for a hot second to learn his wisdom --

Do not compromise your dreams for a relationship. This seems self explanatory to me now, but this was the earliest lesson I learned from my dad about relationships. He works as a university professor and would always tell me and my sister cautionary tales of these bright young women in his classes who would get married straight away after college, move to wherever their husband got a job, only to get divorced a few years later and be left directionless. He would watch this drama play out and he would become worried about others who followed the same path. My dad said there’s nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship, but he did warn me against compromising myself, especially so early in life, for one. 

Tempo matters. I remember asking my dad his opinion on one of my boyfriends a couple years ago and my dad said, and I quote, - ‘he’s nice, but I think he might be a little bit slow for you, no?’. OOF.

My dad didn’t mean slow as in this guy was too dumb for me, he meant that this guy was passive. He was the kind of guy who seemed like he let things happen to him rather than going after them. He was slower to make decisions or commit to a path of action - all traits that are the opposite of me. My dad was worried this would create tension...he was right. This was something I never noticed until it was pointed out, but now I can’t unsee it. How someone processes their decision making, and how they pace their own lives are huge factors to consider in a potential partner.

‘Do you want to date yourself?’. Relationships have a balance. While something like the aforementioned tempo should be something you have in common with your partner, you also probably don’t want someone who is exactly the same either. If you are both the same, your positive traits will make you great, but your negative traits will also feed off of each other. The crush from the beginning of this post fell into this category. We were very similar, and my dad ended up asking me ‘do you want to date yourself?’. Even though at the time I said yes, I realized later my answer is hell no. There are certain traits I have that require a counterbalance. Furthermore, I actually really enjoy dating people who have different interests, jobs, and passions so I can learn more about the world. It’s been a good question to ask whenever I start seeing someone new. Ideally we find people who complement us, not just mirrors of ourselves. 

Don’t Compete with Him. Maybe this one is just a ‘me’ problem, but  I have a habit of competing with guys I’m interested in. I secretly want to be better than him at everything. Why do I have this problem? An ongoing question for my therapist. But it’s there - I want to be in better shape, smarter, more well travelled, etc.

 My dad noticed this problem with me. He told me that competing will only end in disappointment. I’ll never even consider guy who I’m better than at everything because there’s no motivation for me there, but if I compete with him, then I’ll probably end up distracted from my own goals which will result in personal disappointment.  

My dad told me to let him be better than me, especially at things that are clearly passions of his. This goes back to the balance I mentioned before. We should be two separate people with our own passions, so I shouldn’t be getting caught up with competing with him on his, I should stay focused on my own path.  

Make him work for it. This is something I’m often inclined to do, but my dad has reinforced it whenever I’m getting his advice in the beginning stages of an interaction.  He has told me that it’s usually better to hold back when you first start talking to someone.

This doesn’t mean I should change myself or not say what’s on my mind, but I don’t need to just offer up myself and my emotions unprompted. Sometimes it’s better to do more listening, more investigating, and share only as necessary rather than whenever you want. This has the added benefit of making the other party feel good about themselves while they’re with you, instead of overwhelmed by you. Eventually, you should get to a place of more transparency and clear expectations, but retaining a bit of mystery at first has usually worked in my favor. 

Each of these pieces of advice seem pretty natural to me now, and most are common themes on dating advice sites, but when I first talked to my dad about most of them, they were completely antithetical to the way I had been operating. I was going off of gut instinct alone, and while that usually didn’t end too badly, it wasn’t great either. Talking to my dad about this stuff has made me feel more confident in my relationships, increased my understanding of men in general, and also had the unintended consequence of improving my relationship with my dad. Now we can talk about almost everything going on in my life and that helps him see me as a fully realized adult too instead of just his little girl. 

If you have any dating situations you’d like to submit for review by my dad, feel free to send them in! Comment here, submit a contact form for more anonymity, or DM me on instagram! I would definitely do a part two with his responses.

Me and my dad having a nice chat. Probably not about relationships, probably him trying to convince me to go to grad school…