Making Some Unconventional Choices
Recently, I’ve been finding myself making some unconventional decisions in my life, acting a bit against my usual nature. At first, I thought that maybe I was only willing to entertain these paths because of the pandemic, but they have all been going surprisingly well. Like too well….suspiciously well. I’ll leave the details out since these decisions involve other people as well, but basically they all have the same theme - I’m not trying to control as much of the situation.
If you know me, even a tiny bit, you know this is a huge deal for me. I love control, and obsessing about control? Ugh I can’t get enough. But recently I decided, you know what? Let’s just let all this play out the way it’s going to play out. And I’m happier than I’ve been in months *.
However, of course, these unconventional decisions did not come completely without their own obstacles.
The first was judgement from others. Recognition and validation that I’ve done the ‘right’ thing has always been important to me so naturally, I was nervous to tell anybody about what I had been doing. What if they thought I wasn’t being myself, or that I was doing something inherently wrong?
Luckily, not only was the reception positive (I should really give my friends more credit), but I also learned that if something is working for you - by which I mean it’s not hurting anyone, and it truly brings you happiness - then you don’t need to involve anyone else. You don’t need to share it, defend it, or explain it. The opinions of others can offer excellent counsel and perspective, but they are not necessary.
Typically, I’ve relied heavily on inputs of those closest to me, even when I’m confident I’ve made the best choice. I share my decision making process with friends so that I can receive that nod of understanding, that glimmer of recognition of my reasoning. It makes me feel validated and empowered. But now I only believe I need that reassurance when there is still at least a tiny piece of me that is unsure. And lately, none of my decisions have made me feel insecure. This doesn’t mean I don’t share at all, it just means that I finally don’t feel the need to justify what I’m doing. I still talk to my friends and family about what is going on in my life, but I don’t spend as much time explaining myself anymore, I feel more at peace with my decisions.
The second obstacle I am still working on. It is, of course, myself. Recently, I’ve been pretty good about living in the moment, and being happy with making these unconventional decisions on the fly. But later when I’m on my own, I start to overthink. This type of pattern has happened before but it’s usually because I end up feeling bad about the decision, and this time, I feel absolutely no guilt or regret, so I started to wonder why I was still second guessing myself after the fact. If the choices I’m making keep leading to satisfaction, then why do I feel the need to analyze them so much?
I overthink after the fact, not because I felt I had done anything wrong, but because I have been acting completely against my normal patterns and my brain’s tendency to overthink is still active. I had been engaged in a pattern of making decisions, painstakingly analyzing them, eliciting feedback, and only then moving forward. So even though lately I have been skipping all of these steps to get to the decision and am happy with it, my brain still thinks it needs to take a closer look. I think of it like when you go to a fitness class and you work muscles you never knew you had and you’re brutally sore the next day? It’s like that, but for your feelings. I have never processed decisions this way and my typical patterns of thinking are trying to adjust.
This type of process might not work for me forever, and the choices I have been making may eventually come back to bite me, but right now they are working, and worst case? I learn something new about how to tackle my own life. This year has been...a time...but if you’ve found yourself making any decisions that don’t feel like yourself, don’t necessarily dismiss them as solely pandemic induced fever dreams. There might be something underneath those unconventional paths that could be useful no matter what the environment is like - now, and in the future.
PC: Joy Lee
*I will caveat this by saying I started a new project at work this week and my happiness may suffer as a result