The Only Dating Rule That Matters

The preparation for a first date seems to be strikingly similar between men and women. Both parties probably showered. There might’ve been some shaving, some hair styling, and some outfit changes. Both parties might be a little bit nervous at the prospect of trying to forge a genuine bond with a complete stranger, and inevitably, both parties are figuring out ways to make themselves seem more attractive. This might take the form of extra makeup, or it might take the form of rehearsing your backstory or preparing some questions to ask in case of a lull in conversation. All of these things are logical techniques to present one’s best self. But the focus on how attractive you’re coming off should stop as soon as you lay eyes on the other person to start the date.

I don’t have many date rules, and I actively despise articles that try and distill the first date into a series of checklists or bullet points. I think it’s a little bit too nuanced and personal to apply blanket rules to many interactions, but there is one guideline I follow that I think many people overlook.

You need to think about yourself more during your dates.

Before you crucify me for being self centered, hear me out. You should be thinking about yourself more for two reasons.

First, you should be thinking more about how the other person is making you feel while you’re out with them. It is easy to worry about how someone is reacting to us rather than focusing on how we are reacting to them. We can get so focused on seeming interesting or impressive that we completely gloss over our own feelings which are constantly providing valuable insight.

While it is important to be a good date, I think it’s even more important to notice how you’re feeling at every point during the date. Do you feel safe? Are they making you laugh? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel like you can’t be yourself at any point? Your answers to these questions are so much more important than whether you can win them over with your eclectic taste in music. Don’t get caught up in their feelings, get caught up in your own.

Second, you should be noticing how they stack up to your own standards. If someone seems amazing in a lot of ways, it can be easy to overlook misaligned values. For example, if having a family is important to you and this person mentions that they’re not close to their family at all, you may want to pay extra close attention to that. Make a mental note to bring it up again later if diving in on the first date doesn’t feel right for you yet, but definitely don’t just gloss over it.

You don’t need to go overboard here. I know many people with super strict checklists for their dates and if the person doesn’t meet those standards, they dismiss them immediately. But I’m not talking about judging a person on their job or their achievements, I’m talking about judging their fit for you as a person. If they have fundamentally different values from you, then it won’t last long, no matter how good everything else is. It’s your responsibility to look at this person as a whole person - with flaws and differences and all, romanticizing someone too much is a surefire way to be disappointed.

Dating is already difficult. Trying to make an important connection out of thin air can feel near impossible, but not listening to our own feelings can make it ten times harder. And at the start, it’s probably the only thing that matters.